I have recently had a problem that I am ashamed to confess. Being that I am a pastor who preaches and teaches about the power of God week in and week out and the importance of having faith in that power, for it to be brought to my attention that I am struggling with unbelief is a tough pill to swallow.
I have struggled with believing that the plans that God has for me will come to pass. I have had difficulty with holding onto the promise that Christ will build His Church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. I have grown weary in persevering towards the vision that I think God birthed within me.
But for me, more disappointing than the unbelief (I think everyone deals with doubts at various stages of their faith journey) are the actions I've taken in light of my unbelief.
Because of my unbelief I have...
- Hesitated to cast big vision.
- Allowed disappointment to curb my enthusiasm.
- Downplayed what I believe God will do through theMOVEMENT.
And though these actions, on the outside, can be seen as acts of humility, the truth is, even more disappointing than these actions I have taken in light of my unbelief is the reason I have taken such actions:
I am afraid of how it will make me look if God doesn't do what I believe He said He would do.
There, I said it.
The sad reality is, I have been more concerned with protecting my image than I have been with proclaiming my faith.
I'm not casting big vision because I'm humble, I'm not casting big vision because I don't want my ego and pride to be impacted if the big vision doesn't come to pass. I'm not curbing my enthusiasm because I'm humble, I'm curbing my enthusiasm because I don't want my ego and pride to be crushed if what I'm enthusiastic about doesn't materialize. I'm not downplaying what I believe God will do through theMOVEMENT because I'm humble, I'm downplaying it because I don't want my ego and pride to be diminished if God doesn't do what I believed he would.
All this to say...
FALSE HUMILITY IS THE NEW PRIDE, AND I AM A GUILTY.
I don't have a strong handle on exactly how I'm going to break free from all of this, but I am confident that being self-aware of the issue will go a long way in me overcoming this very nuanced form of pride. Your prayers for me are appreciated!